Wednesday's BB press conference: Belichicoder V2.0 version

[Hawg73]

The following is a transcript of Wednesday's press conference after being translated by the Belichicoder V2.0, a device I invented which can take the words of Bill Belichick and determine what he would have really said had he actually been telling the truth.



Bill Belichick Press Conference Transcript
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New England Patriots
September 17, 2008

BB: Well, just when you think the season is really going to start kicking into high gear, the Dolphins come to town and we have to try and figure out a way to actually pay close attention to the game film and how we are going to approach building up a team that was terrible last year and might actually be worse this year. You look up and see that Taylor and Thomas are no longer part of that defense and everybody on this side of the field suddenly has far fewer skidmarks in their underwear come Monday morning. To tell you the truth, I might have given Tom the week off anyways to go see his kid or something, but now he's practically in a body cast and more depressed than a Democrat after the whole Palin thing at the republican convention, so that's where we are at this time.


Q: After all the changes in preseason with the offensive line, have you seen those five guys settle in?

BB: Well, given the fact that none of them played together in the preseason-- and the Chiefs for 3 quarters and the Jets for the whole game stacked 8 in the box and dared Cassel to throw, they haven't been all that bad. Koppen had a rough time of it against Kris Jenkins last week, but he weighs about 350 and as somebody said is about one muffin short of Sarah Palin authorizing drilling on the North Slope of his ass. Kaczur is still sort of stumbling around at right tackle, but that's nothing new. He has to understand he isn't the lead actor in a spy movie anymore and maybe block somebody once in a while. We'll see, but least he isn't Wesley Britt.

Q: You are familiar with the Bill Parcells' way of doing things. What signs have you seen so far?

BB: I'm sure there are a bunch of empty donut boxes all over their team offices, but I haven't been there so you'd have to ask somebody else about signs or whatever. Seriously, everywhere Bill goes he does a good job of getting guys in his image, which means big fat guys who do nothing but bitch, moan and blame somebody else when shit starts going downhill. He didn't even know where the film room was in Foxboro-- couldn't find it with a GPS, a flashlight and an indian guide.

Q: In what respects, with [Jason] Taylor and [Zach] Thomas' absence represents the change and makeover of the team?

BB: Actually, they are younger, bigger and more talented at linebacker and all across their defensive front than they were last year and if you believe that, I've got some shares of AIG stock I'll sell you at last month's prices (smiles). The best way to answer that is I talked to Matt Light's wife yesterday and she said he's sleeping like a baby. The last few years we had to shoot him up with tranquilizers just to get him to watch film of Taylor. He hated playing against him, actually terrified of the guy, so I'm sure Matt is looking forward to playing whatshisname-- the guy that will be lining up across from him on Sunday, assuming they don't trade for Taylor again.

Q: Do you think Ricky Williams is not running as well as he used to or do you think the offensive line is not opening holes?

BB: A lot of people think Ricky is running a little tentative from all the pot-smoking and meditation or whatever you want to call it he has was doing here and India and Canada or wherever he was, but I think it's more a case that he just simply doesn't give a shit anymore. He's pretty much a hippie.

Q: From watching the film do you think Ricky Williams is running with the same explosiveness he used to?

BB: If by "explosive" you mean he's been running like the turf was foot-and-a-half deep mud then yeah, I'd say he is one big stick of TNT out there.

Q: What would you like to see be done in the red zone?

BB: I'd like to see them paint the graphics a little better. Some of the edges are a little, I don't know-- crumbly or something. I'm not an artist, but whoever they get to do it needs to start doing a better job or we'll have to start looking at the waiver wire. Maybe bring somebody else in for a look.

Q: Are they using Joey Porter as a more stand up guy?

BB: I wouldn't say that. Chris Rock is what I would call a standup guy, while Porter is kind of a loudmouthed asshole who can't play anymore and is making more money than Tiger Woods. Every time I get to feeling pissed off these days, I pull out a copy of the contract they gave that guy and laugh until I get headspins. It relaxes me.

Look, one time when Pittsburgh beat us a few years back-- what was it? one out of the last five, six? something like that, and he yelled at our bench "YOU WILL NEVER BE ON OUR LEVEL". He was right about that-- nobody on this team will ever be anywhere near his level for being unbelievably stupid.

Q: More than last year?

BB: Not really. He is the model for consistency when it comes to NFL stupidity. I'm going to be sad the day that guy retires, I'll tell you that.

Q: Matt Roth was a defensive end last year?

BB: Yeah, he's kind of an undersized defensive end that was supposed to be....I don't want to say crazy, but he had some kind of head problems coming out of college so we didn't want him here. He's got good quickness, but other than that he doesn't have much. He wouldn't make our practice squad, but he's starting over there, so that should tell you something right there. They aren't.....good. Not good at all.

Q: Was Brett Favre more raw than Chad Pennington was when Chad Pennington started with the Jets?

BB: I'm not sure I understand the question. If you mean "raw" from windburn in the meadowlands, then I'd say not as much as the sunburn Chad would be exposed to in Miami. He's kind of naturally pale anyways, much more so than Brett, who has that Jed Clampett-type stubble to kind of cover most of his face. Is that what you were looking for?

Q: Can you talk about Richard Seymour showing up in the red zone?

BB: Well, so far Richard is off to a pretty good start. Last week he had that big play on 3rd and goal where he just kind of dope-slapped D'Brickashaw Ferguson out of his way and then knocked the running back flat with part of his left arm. I think the back just kind of turtled to be honest with you. Richard can do that to people, he's a lot meaner than he looks and it's nice to seem him doing it again because we pay him an awful lot of money to crush people like that.

Q: Is having Adalius Thomas on the outside adding a different dimension to the defense?

BB: I am not sure. I don't know. I haven't really considered it. I can't be certain, so don't want to speculate. Beats me.

Either that, or I've thought about it an awful lot but don't want to say-- you can decide which statement is true.


Q: Can you talk about your defense in the last two games and how they have played as a whole?

BB: Well, some things are better than others. Other things are not quite as good as I'd like and still others are approximately as good or slightly worse than they could be or should be. To sum up, we are pretty goddamned good and I hope we get a lot goddamned better before San Diego on October 12th.

Q: Can you talk a little about Jerod Mayo's impact on the defense and why you have played him on every defensive snap so far?

BB: That's simple. For years now I've been admiring these little linebackers other teams get and talk about them a lot; guys like Ernie Sims over in Detroit, Jon Vilma when he was with the Jets, Beason in Carolina...all those kind of guys. See, I've always had these kind of really big linebackers and I just like watching the little guys because they are a lot faster and squirt right through little holes to blow plays up and I finally decided I wanted to get one of my own little guys and we brought Mayo in. Now, I have my own little linebacker and I'm going to keep playing him until he drops. He might weigh around 190 by the time this season is over the way things are going, but I'm having a good time watching him, so he's going to stay in there. It's fun to watch those guys.

[Annihilus]

Somebody seriously needs to get this to Coach B. He would have a freakin' coronary reading this stuff.

Well done as usual, old man.

[Dwight Schrute]

Quote: "Well, some things are better than others. Other things are not quite as good as I'd like and still others are approximately as good or slightly worse than they could be or should be."

This line has a chance of actually making the REAL next BB presser!

Good work Hawg!

[Mr. Happy Sock]

+1

LOL

/Homer Voice "It's funny because it's TRUE!!!"

[missedgehead]

Cool

[babalu87]

BB: I wouldn't say that. Chris Rock is what I would call a standup guy, while Porter is kind of a loudmouthed asshole who can't play anymore and is making more money than Tiger Woods. Every time I get to feeling pissed off these days, I pull out a copy of the contract they gave that guy and laugh until I get headspins. It relaxes me.

I could picture BB saying this off the record and thats what makes it so damned funny.

Great job Hawg, beers are on the house

[RavenZ]

Love it!

Q: You are familiar with the Bill Parcells' way of doing things. What signs have you seen so far?

BB: I'm sure there are a bunch of empty donut boxes all over their team offices, but I haven't been there so you'd have to ask somebody else about signs or whatever. Seriously, everywhere Bill goes he does a good job of getting guys in his image, which means big fat guys who do nothing but bitch, moan and blame somebody else when shit starts going downhill. He didn't even know where the film room was in Foxboro-- couldn't find it with a GPS, a flashlight and an indian guide.

[maelli]

Q: What would you like to see be done in the red zone?

BB: I'd like to see them paint the graphics a little better. Some of the edges are a little, I don't know-- crumbly or something. I'm not an artist, but whoever they get to do it needs to start doing a better job or we'll have to start looking at the waiver wire. Maybe bring somebody else in for a look.

Great stuff as usual, Hawg, I always look forward to the Belichickoder

[grog]

Fanfrickintastic!

[NJ#1PATSFAN]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!! Friggin Great JOB!!!!

[Happyman*]

Great work Hawg.

[AllWorldTE]

Great writing runs in the family. This should be published. Best Belichicoder yet.

[Undertaker #59]

Originally Posted by AllWorldTE

Great writing runs in the family. This should be published.

I agree. I am thinking of creating a special page for these.