Courtroom comedy

[Baron Samedi]

I found this hilarious and just thought I'd share...





The following are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles Sevilla, and are what people actually said in court-word for word-transcribed and now published by court reporters having to remain composed while these exchanges were actually taking place! Enjoy!

>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>forgot?
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> __________ ___________________________
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
> ;voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
>in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>_____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh....
>______________________________________
> ATTO RNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
>a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
>performed on dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are perfor med on dead people.
>____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
>did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
>______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
>was doing an autopsy on him!
>____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh?
> ____________________________________________
> And the best for last
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
>check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive
>when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
>nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
>alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Ras]

[Patriots4ever]

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
>in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

I think I liked this one the best.


That was funny!

[Oswlek]

I think I would legitimately hire Vinny Gambini before some of those attorneys.

Where do they find these people?

[Oswlek]

Originally posted by Patriots4ever on 02-21-2007 at 10:22 AM
I think I liked this one the best.


That was funny!

I liked this one as a more subtle version of the same comment:

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[sonsofkraftybob]

Lawyers are the biggest meatheads there are.

Always taking innocent people's money. Suing poor old ladies. Kicking dogs.

Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe

[Patriots4ever]

Bunch of Ambulance chasers.

[AllWorldTE]

I saw a deposition that went something like this;

Q: What was his condition when you found him?
A: He was dead.

Q: Did he say anything after you found him?
A: No, he was dead.

Q: Was he moaning?
A: No, he was dead.

Q: Was his breathing labored?
A: No, he was dead.

Q: Could you hear him breathing at all?
A: No, he was dead.

Q: Did he say anything when you moved him?
A: No, he was dead.

This went on for a few more questions. I know why the attorney was doing it but it still looks foolish.

[Oswlek]

Originally posted by AllWorldTE on 02-21-2007 at 12:14 PM
I saw a deposition that went something like this;

Q: What was his condition when you found him?
A: He was dead.

Q: Did he say anything after you found him?
A: No, he was dead.

Q: Was he moaning?
A: No, he was dead.

Q: Was his breathing labored?
A: No, he was dead.

Q: Could you hear him breathing at all?
A: No, he was dead.

Q: Did he say anything when you moved him?
A: No, he was dead.

This went on for a few more questions. I know why the attorney was doing it but it still looks foolish.

So....um.....

Was he dead?

[dchester]

Originally posted by sonsofkraftybob on 02-21-2007 at 11:10 AM
Lawyers are the biggest meatheads there are.

Always taking innocent people's money. Suing poor old ladies. Kicking dogs.

Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe

You're alright in my book.

(shameless attempt to suck up, in case I need a good lawyer someday)

[Baron Samedi]

If you're not a doctor, are you really qualified to make that judgement? I think making the statement "he was dead" is very presumptuous. The witness should have stated that "he was apparently dead".
This statement covers a lot of ground, such as....

" He was apparently dead because his head was removed from the body, but I'm not a doctor, sir."

" I slept with Sheila the other night, and it wasn't all I imagined it to be, she was apparently dead."

" The chicken in my sandwich is apparently dead."

" The Celtics playoff run is apparently dead."

[sonsofkraftybob]

Originally posted by dchester on 02-21-2007 at 01:34 PM
You're alright in my book.

(shameless attempt to suck up, in case I need a good lawyer someday)

Seems to me that the "promotion" you were talking about where there was no raise, more duties AND they took your pager $ away from you but let all the other managers keep theirs.....smells to high hell of some racial discrimination there my man.

[dchester]

Originally posted by sonsofkraftybob on 02-21-2007 at 03:10 PM
Seems to me that the "promotion" you were talking about where there was no raise, more duties AND they took your pager $ away from you but let all the other managers keep theirs.....smells to high hell of some racial discrimination there my man.

That company (I don't work there any more) had a policy where "individual contributers" got pager pay, but managers did not get pager pay (of course I didn't learn that until after I got promoted). The promotion ended up being good for my career, so all's well that ends well (even if I did have to become a free agent and leave to get my big payday).

[sonsofkraftybob]

Originally posted by dchester on 02-21-2007 at 03:43 PM
That company (I don't work there any more) had a policy where "individual contributers" got pager pay, but managers did not get pager pay (of course I didn't learn that until after I got promoted). The promotion ended up being good for my career, so all's well that ends well (even if I did have to become a free agent and leave to get my big payday).

Well, as long as your ok then I'll put the contingent fee agreement away for now.

But when you get rear-ended or arrested.....PM me.

[AllWorldTE]

[quote]Originally posted by Baron Samedi on 02-21-2007 at 02:36 PM
[b]If you're not a doctor, are you really qualified to make that judgement? I think making the statement "he was dead" is very presumptuous. The witness should have stated that "he was apparently dead".


The witness had already established that the victim had sufffered injuries incompatable with life during questing from another attorney. Sorry, maybe I should have pointed that out but was only thinking about the humerous exchange that took place. The rest of the story is not very humerous.