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Old 07-29-2004, 10:18 AM   #1
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Knee jerk reactions -- It's_Good's collected works from 2003

The following thread is a collection of It's_Good_It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reaction columns that he wrote after most games during the 2003 season. I think they are some of the funniest stuff this site has seen and thought it would be a good idea to collect them for the archives thread.

Here is hoping that he finds some time to do "Knee Jerks" for all of the upcoming 2004 games. Enjoy.



It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from Week 3


If I were describing myself in a personals ad, regardless of how short the ad had to be, I would mention how much I enjoy watching Vinny Testaverde force bad passes into blanket coverage.

We need a phrase to describe the look on Herm Edwards' face when a play call goes horribly wrong. ("Deer in the headlights" is a registered trademark of Bledsoe Bashers of NE, Inc.) I suggest we use "Guy on stage at his first open-mike night discovering that he's only funny to five people in his office."

After a particularly punishing hit on the Pats' first posession, did I really hear Dan Dierdorf say "...and the play ends with a tremendous COCK!"? Tell me I'm wrong. Or I should just be thankful he didn't make a reference to the Jets TE coach Dick Curl?

1st quarter: DeWayne Robertson tackles Daniel Graham. Boxing promoters would give this matchup the sobriquet, "The Battle of the Busts."

The Jets pass up an easy 3 points for a half-assed fake FG/pass attempt. Edwards appears to be saying, "What's wrong with you people? Everyone loved that joke at our staff meeting the other day..."

Brady just has to be hurt. Has to be. He's gripping the ball like that openly gay guy from Survivor: Marquesas trying to shoot a bow-and-arrow.

Time management tip: I save up all my household chores for Sunday afternoon. Then I do them all while waiting for Antwoine Smith to hit the hole.

The biggest surprise of the game came when the Pats stopped Wayne Chrebet short of a first down for the first time in his career against them. I half expected the league to stop the game and have a ceremony like when Emmitt Smith broke the rushing record.

Edwards, 2nd quarter: "C'mon! This is funny stuff..."

Bad ideas:
1. The Jets fake field goal.
2. On my fantasy team, I bench a "questionable" Priest Holmes for Moe Williams.
3. Everyone at CBS says "Charlie Sheen doing light family comedy? With a kid? It couldn't possibly fail!!!"

In the 3rd quarter, Jets offensive co-ordinator Paul Hackett broke the NFL record for "Third Down Pass Plays Which Gain Insufficient Yardage, Most." Edwards: "Hey, I know you're out there...I can hear you breathing."

Tyrone Poole has mastered the art of simultaneously keeping his eye off the receiver and the ball. Is he mentoring the rookies? "Well, on man coverage, I focus on the lighthouse. And in zone, I look at the McDonalds sign.."

Promotional tie-in of the week: "The Bill Belichick Unspecific Injury Report, brought to you by SEIU Local 254."

It was nice to see the Pats in the 4th quarter try to draw the Jets offside with a perfect rendition of "Dance at the Gym" from West Side Story.

Edwards during that play: "Is this mike on? HELLO???..."

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Old 07-29-2004, 10:20 AM   #2
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It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from Week 4

Thoughts to consider while still waiting to see if Tom Ashworth has noticed Reynaldo Wynn coming around right end.:

Fassel (verb) fa' sel - to make bad decisions at a crucial moment. "Having played their hearts out, the Patriots players were let down when Belichick and Weis fasselled the final posession."

I don't ordinarily comment on another man's junk, but Tedy Bruschi's testicles are made out of the same impervious substance as Captain America's shield.

When a team is riddled with injuries, it first shows up in Special Teams. JFK had more blocking in Dealey Plaza than Troy Brown had on the next-to-last punt of the game.

My brother (not Hawg) said something that positively shocked me. "I hate Brady. Hate him." It was one of those things you never expect to hear come out of someone's mouth. Like hearing a politician say "I'm not in favor of good education" or Mrs. IGIG's mother say "Whatever you decide is fine with me." Before you think Pats nation has turned on the MVP of SB XXXVI, understand Jimbo is still in the cave with the last surviving members of the Drew Brigade, unable to come to grips with the fact that an unconditional surrender was signed and Armistice was declared. So they're still out there. Keep your powder dry.

It's trendy to say that LaVar Arrington is the best LB in the league. Yesterday, he wasn't even the best LB on the field. I saw him repeatedly get stoned by Larry Centers and others. The best on the field was Ol' Adamantium Nuts, #54.

Bruce Smith is like Friends. For all these years I've listened to everyone go on about how great they are, but I've never understood the appeal. In the case of Smith, probably because Bruce Armstrong (and now Matt Light) always did such a number on him. And in the case of Friends because it truly does suck. Because I said so, that's why.

Why do people insist on wearing costumes to NFL games? Not just the fat guys with pig noses. Some poor hapless soul went to the game in a Redskin's maroon-and-gold cowl and cape trying to look like a superhero. Instead, he just looked like the "Noid" from the old Dominos pizza ads.

Levels of NFL achievement:
6. Make an NFL roster
5. Starter
4. Pro Bowler
3. 1st team All-Pro
2. Hall of Famer
1. Long distance phone ad with ALF.

"Flashes of brilliance" will be linked to Daniel Graham like "Pound-for-pound the best entertainer in the world" was linked to Sammy Davis Jr.

CBS on-line poll: Does anyone seriously want us to keep interrupting the game with the Cincy-Cleveland score?

My Phil Mushnick rant: It's criminal that the networks continue to aggrandize knuckleheads like Terrell Owens and Randy Moss at the expense of a guy like Marvin Harrison, a true pro and absolutely the best player in the NFL. If Owens wigs out or busts-a-move after the catch, it's 6 replays, top-of-the-hightlight-package stuff. But Harrison gets in the endzone and it's time for another "Everybody but Becker Loves the King of Yes Dear" promo.

The damned shame of this game is that if the Pats had pulled it off, it would have been the all time classic moment for people who love watching Steve Spurrier come unglued. I'm certainly one. I just can't help it. The slow burn is a staple of great comedy, and Spurrier is one of the best at it. Like Don Knotts or Moe Howard.

I don't get it. Does Levitra help you throw a football through a tire, or is that symbolic of something?

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Old 07-29-2004, 10:22 AM   #3
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It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from week 6

[Author's note: I may have some of the facts, sequences of events, and names wrong in this thread. I watched the Giant's game with one eye while doing chores for Mrs. ItsGood's mother in a transparent attempt to get myself into heaven. I also have been horribly preoccupied with the baseball postseason. I apologize for getting any of the facts or opinions here wrong.]

Congratulations to the Pats for breaking the all-time NFL record for Most Yards Taken Away by Unforgivable Penalties. I hope the writers who give grades to the different positions note that Brady had about 250 yds of completions called back by "Unnecessary Use of the Hands Against an Irrelevant Defender While Not Involved in the Play" penalties.

I like technology. No question about it. CDs are better than albums. DVDs are better than watching 8mm porn projected onto a bed sheet on your friends bedroom wall. Internet bulletin boards are better than standing on the curb shouting your Patriots opinions to passing motorists. But there are two advancements I can live without:
1) Cell phones
2) Improved drainage on NFL fields. Today was as close to an old-fashioned Mud Bowl as I have seen in years, and it still wasn't as good as the old days. There's no better way to enjoy a football game than watching players flopping around covered in slop while you're snug on the couch in your footsie pajamas. Nothing like it.

Tony Siragusa: just another NFL sideline reporter hired for good looks.

I'll say it first: Micheal Strahan pummeled Mike Cloud like he was a Fenway groundskeeper.

Rush Limbaugh would like to add here that the league gave Kevin Faulk credit for 87 yds rushing only because he's Black.

The uncomfortable scale (1-10):
1: QB patting a guy on the @ss.
5: Jeff Garcia saying his passes weren't "crisp."
10: Don Zimmer crying.

BTW, Pedro was just fending the guy off. But I admit it looked bad. And in time I felt bad about the whole incident. But my immediate reaction at the time was to yell "That's for leaving Brohamer on the bench and starting Bobby Sprowl. Serves ya right, Jackass!!!" Don't tell me you didn't react the same way.

This week Belichick called Dan Klecko "Three Way", thus stealing the nickname from Jeremy "Mother and her two twin daughers" Shockey.

I've watched a little college football this year. And unfortunately, the TD by Mike Cloud, running it in behind Klecko, through the hole created by Damien Woody and Dan Koppen will be the highlight of the Big East season.

Thank you, Charlie Weis for that goal line play. But if you only could have kept Larry Centers from going in motion, we'd all be talking about how you beat the Giants with a Wishbone play. What do you say? Show some grapes next time.

Mike Alpert: "Do you think Patten was in bounds?"
Daryl Johnston: "Well, that's a mute point."
Actually, Moose was right. Because it was at that point that I pressed the mute button.

The "It's not enough that I succeed, others must fail" Dept: Watching Lawyer Milloy look on helplessly while Anthony Becht burns him for a TD. The Bills putting up 3 points against an 0-4 team. The fact that the Jets are so hapless that I'm now rooting for them to beat other teams to help the Pats. All this will take the sting out of a Clemens Game 3 win.

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Old 07-29-2004, 10:23 AM   #4
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It's Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from week 7

Look, this was a nice win, but don't get your hopes up. They'll always find a way to break your heart in the end. Oops. Forget what I said. Wrong team.

I heard a great point made by a talk show e-mailer this week. On the subject of how much the sports writers in this town are cirlcling the wagons for Grady Little right now, the guy contrasted Grady's treatment with that of Belichick, who clearly does nothing to curry favor with the scribes. Imagine if BB ran the Super Bowl with the same incompetence of Little last Thursday night/Friday morning? His players have fallen like the first row of soldiers in a Revoultionary War battle, and he's got them alone in first place in the toughest division in the NFL. But by Tuesday they'll be raking him over the coals for letting the clock run out in the 4th quarter. Count on it.

The amazing thing about this game is that this was the rarest of NFL games. It was one in which a team with playoff hopes (the Pats) had every reason to think that they could afford to lose this one. With one or two exceptions, every NFL team will lose at least five games. When the schedule came out last spring, every one of us assumed today would be one of those five. I was so post-traumatic-stressed about the Red Sox series and anticipating a loss, that I was ready to give the Pats a freebie. They were playing with the house's money. In fact, even when it looked like Miami was about to win it, I was about as stressed as if I was watching the rose ceremony on The Bachelor.

I keep waiting for the NFL to discover that for the last eight years the Dolphins have been putting two players on the field at the same time both wearing "Thomas #54" jerseys. Has this guy ever made less than 12 tackles in a game?

Speaking of which, it was really fun hearing Steve DeOssie declare that Junior Seau is the most overrated player in NFL history. But that kind of candor guarantees he'll never end up in an NFL broadcast booth, unfortunately. Seau will, but DeOssie, never.

The best free agent signing ever made by the Pats may well turn out to be Rodney Harrison. He set a tone the team kept up throughout the game, twice decleating James McKnight. BTW, we need a new term to describe a tackle like that. "Pancake" is pretty much used only to describe a block. I'm going to suggest "autopsy", as in "Ooh...Harrison autopsied McKnight on that one, Dick."

"On an all-new Survivor: The Ultimate Betrayal." OK, so let's review the new, revised list:
3) 1939. Hitler signs non-agression pact with Stalin. Then invades the Soviet Union. WWII kills 35 million.
2) 33 A.D. Judas kisses Jesus and receives 40 pieces of silver. Christ is arrested and crucified.
1) 2003 Rupert forms an alliance with the tall, stupid steroidy guy. Wins a cheese platter and a case of Mountain Dew.

In the second quarter, the Patriots were handling the ball like Grady Little handles pitchers. Aaaah...thanks. That feels better.

I thought Dan Dierdorf played it pretty much down the middle. The only time he McCarvered the Pats was when Samuel made a great play on the interception, tipping the ball to Wilson, and Dierdorf called it "luck." How will the 2003 draft, supposedly a weak one, be judged if those two continue to get it done as they have? And Klecko. And dare I say, Ty Warren?

BTW, I wonder if there's a secret "I Hate Al Michaels Society". How much fun would it be to get together with Dierdorf, Boomer Esiason, Dan Fouts, Dennis Miller and anyone else Al has kicked to the curb, get a few drinks in them and say "Hey, what do you guys think of Al?" and just sit back and listen. The guy has made more enemies than Dennis and Callahan.

The Pats cut down on the number of penalties, but its amazing how often they get big plays called back. What was Ashworth doing on the TD pass to Fauria that got nullified? He looked like he was doing the O.J. "shot in the gut" scene from the first Naked Gun. On that one play he banged into more guys than Jenna Jameson on ecstacy.

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Old 07-29-2004, 10:25 AM   #5
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It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from week 8

If you took Ty Law's body and stuffed in it Tedy Bruschi's heart, Joe Andruzzi's toughness and Tom Brady's play in the clutch, you'd have...Ty Law. The only thing missing from his performance Sunday was the crowd at The Blade chanting Maxi-mus! Maxi-mus! Maxi-mus!

I'm sure Kenyatta Jones tried to tell Belchick how he was just fooling around. But I think we can file BBs response under "I guess you had to be there."

I always thought of Kenyatta as more of a cerebral comic. I couldn't imagine him doing that broad, physical comedy.

In most cases, when something bad happens, it comes totally out of the blue. But every year on my calendar there are exactly two dates which I can prepare for in advance because I know something bad will happen. When the doom is not only certain, it is scheduled. One is Thanksgiving with Mrs. ItsGood's family. The other is the annual Patriot's debacle in Denver.

Chris Akins delivered an absolutely nasty hit on a punt return the nanosecond the ball was caught. The fact that Akins wears #34 brings up this question: at the halfway point of the season, has there been a moment yet where you've heard somebody say "Aaah! Now here's where they miss Tebucky Jones!!!"

We can now sum up the successes of the Bobby Grier era as follows:
1. Damien Woody
2. None of his picks OD'ed on cocaine.

I've always suspected this was true, but without a golf visor on I can now confirm it: Brad Faxon was separated at birth from Fox Mulder.

OK. Here goes. Daniel Graham played like (gasp)...Ben Coates. Whew. I got through that. No, no, I'll be fine. I just need to sit for a minute.

It's been so long since there's been a QB controversy in New England, I forget how they go. Does every sports talk show in Cleveland have a guy who thinks Couch awful and Holcomb is mediocre and another guy who says "No, its the other way around..."?

I'm trying to get used to the CBS broadcasts, honest I am. But can it get any worse? Are there places they can squeeze in promos for their unwatchable shows that they haven't thought of yet? In the first quarter, the Browns needed the Jaws of Life to get Jamel White out of Ty Warren's arms, and nobody mentioned the tackle. But they did find time to mention America's Best Night of Comedy. Hey, Dick, I'm a football fan. See if you can guess what I watch on Monday Nights.

Graham had a couple of Ben Coates-like plays (aah, this is getting easier) where he was draped with tacklers and still managed to stay on his feet longer than one of those Nick Bakay football betting segments on SportsCenter.

Do you realize the Pats won't have a Sunday afternoon game for another three weeks? Is there a support group or something? I mean, thank God for the infinite blessings the Bledsoe and Milloy show are providing us all, but unlike a Pats game, that can't justify me letting the leaves in the yard turn to loam while I sit inside and build a pyramid with my empty Budweiser cans. Damn you, NFL Schedule Maker.

Two expressions used during the telecast:
*Enberg: "sack sandwich"
*Dierdorf: "reverse dog pound"
I point this out because both things are on the menu at the Mustang ranch for $50. Coincidence? You be the judge.

The best pregame show moment of the year came when hard-hitting journalist Michael Irvin did one of his in depth, candid looks at Keyshawn Johnson. Johnson--surprise!--was complaining that they don't throw to him enough. "Keyshawn don't throw the ball. Keyshawn don't call the plays." It took Steve Young, bless him, to point out that in all the time he's been on the show, they've never done a feature on anything Keyshawn has done on the field. When someone, a producer, an agent, a player, whoever, wants a feature done on one of these high-maintainance receivers, can't anybody just say "Two words: Marvin Harrison." and end this crap?

Is Anthony Pleasant the most overlooked, underappreciated player on the Patriots? If asked, Pats players will mention how much he means to the defense and the leadership he brings to the table. But Lonnie Paxton gets more recognition. Discuss.

I guess it's not the offensive line after all, eh, Antoine?
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Old 07-29-2004, 10:27 AM   #6
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It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from week 9


Some things to think about while trying to figure out what Clinton Portis was saying in that interview. (I think he's trying to communicate with us...)

Why do all professional sports leagues continue to allow officials to call special rules for certain teams and players? Denver has been cut blocking for a decade now. Michael Jordan travelled. Atlanta Brave pitchers get the foot-outside strike. Allen Iverson palms the ball. Shaq throws elbows. Hey, say what you want about the Pro Bowlers Tour, but when Earl Anthony knocked down nine pins, no one called it a strike. And get a toe over the line, that's a lane violation. No one cares who you are, Mister Man.

The funniest thing in any sports telecast is when the camera guys get the cheerleaders to stand there shaking the pom-poms while the play-by-play guy reads ads. But then the ads go on and on, and they're left still standing there. "...and by Pizza Hut, makers of..." still standing there, "...and by Jeep..." still holding the fake beauty queen smile, "...and by Coors Light, the official beer..." still shaking, offering the occasional "Whooo! Go Broncos!" "...and by..." trying not to look uncomfortable... Until you wonder whether they'd just keep at it until they starved to death. Pure comedy gold.

Every other NFL team has "signature fans" so to speak, that the networks can focus on, why not the Pats? Barrel Man, The Hawgs, the Jets Fireman, The Black Hole, The Dawg Pound...For the Pats, I nominate "The Guys In the Late 70s Who Bombarded SuperPatriot With Snowballs."

How did Aerosmith, who when I was in Jr. High, were the embodiment of Satan's takeover of America's youth, become wholesome mass entertainment? They've followed in "Up With People"s Super Bowl halftime footsteps, gotten a ride themed after them at DisneyWorld, and now done MNF. Has the world forgotten "Suck on My Big 10-inch?" That sound you hear is Roone Arledge, Howard Cosell and Walt Disney trying to claw their way out of their caskets.

Dan Koppen creates a fumble as Damien Woody misses a block. Four plays later, Tom Nalen takes Roman Phifer out of the play, and Denver gets a TD. Hhhmmm. Could the FBI take some guys away from keeping-Whitey-quiet duty long enough to investigate this? We're talking about three BC guys, after all.

To echo something Hawg73 said, why was Al Wilson, of all people, "mic'd"? He made Portis sound like Demosthenes.

As for Lisa G, I disagree with Hawg and the rest of you who've been putting her down. So what if, after calling BB "Brian", she said the Pats had "nine turnovers"? She has done exactly what ABC wanted: look really, really hot. In fact, I'd be OK with it if she wasn't "mic'd." "As the trainer comes out to look at Johnson, we send it over to a still photograph of Lisa in lingerie." It beats looking at Jim Belushi. "With time out on the field, let's take a look at Lisa making out with Sarah Michelle Gellar."...

Denver's last posession of the first half lasted five minutes, and the Pat defense kept the drive alive with three third down penalties. This was more painful to watch than the Very Special return episode of 8 Simple Rules.

Not to complain after a great play, but on Deion Branch's TD, he caught it, then looked back at the DB all the way into the endzone, then busted-a-move while no one joined him. I was reminded of a Tom Brady interview I heard in preseason when, given the chance to compliment Branch, Brady couched everything with "...if he works at it." Just something to watch for. I wonder whether this kid has a little TerrShawn Mosston in him.

Isn't the air supposed to be thinner in the mountains? I thought so. Ken Walter, coach wants to see you. Bring your playbook.
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Old 07-29-2004, 10:29 AM   #7
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It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from week 11

Hey! You know what I just realized? Belichick and Parcells used to coach together!!! Has anyone looked into this story? Someone should have asked them if this game was personal or not.

It's always good to have an alias. I like to have a cool-sounding one handy to impress chicks in bars. After the Brady hookup to Branch on the blitz pickup, my new phony name is "Max Protect."

Terry Glenn hates New England so much, he apparently didn't make the trip.

There are times I've been embarassed by the crap that fans in the stands yell. Then you watch one of those highlight packages where NFL Films mic's the players on the sidelines and the fans sound William F. Buckley by comparison. "WE GOTTA DO IT, BABY!!! Yeah! That's what we gotta do: IT!!! WE GOTTA GET IT DONE!!! Woooo, baby, yeah!!!" It's like a book on tape: "The Buffalobills.com Message Board, as read by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers."

Parcells looks more and more like Gary Busey every day. Only crazier.

Disney, owners of ESPN are making movies based on their theme park attractions. "Country Bears Jamboree", "Pirates of the Carribean", now "Haunted Mansion." Don't hold your breath waiting for "One Hour Wait for the Goofy Coaster" or "The $8 Chicken Sandwich."

Patrick Pass is back? Does it seem like every week another running back you thought was long gone is back on the roster? But the ship has sailed on Leonard Russell and Marion Butts, right?

Theres only one way to explain the two Bills glaring at each other and then giving it the uncomfortable man love after the game. Someone offered them each a Mentos, so fresh and full of life.

Many years ago I invented a word for Jerry Jones, and it still only fits Jerry Jones: "Lizardy." I can't explain it, but it works.

Tight End Math: Tony Gonzalez-Christian Fauria's hands=Daniel Graham.

Everyone makes way too much out of it when a Chad Johnson "guarantees" victory. So he's confident, great. Good for him. But it's not like it costs him anything if he's wrong. Hell, I can get double my money back from Post if I'm not completely satisfied with my Fruity Pebbles. Now that's confidence.

I liked when Joe Theismann talked about "decisive decisions." That was good commenting commentary. I'm glad I did some written writing about it. Kathy Lee Crosby was right.

I've expressed concern about Deion Branch going all David Boston on us. Then he follows up a key first down with a moronic taunting penalty...what is it about the WR position anyway? Are this many smack-talking idiots playing Center, and we just don't know about it?

Hey, Kid Rock, you gotta feel this.
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Old 07-29-2004, 10:31 AM   #8
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It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from week 12

The Pats must have someone on the sidelines who put James Brown's cape on Willie McGinest. Only the The Hardest Working Man in Show Bidness ever bounced back so soon after nearly being carted away on the brink of death like that. Or (to give a nod to DropKickMurphy) #55's performance was Chief Jay Strongbow-esque.

While the Colts were scoring three TDs in 17 seconds, I had that helpless fan feeling that I haven't had since Grady sat on his hands throwing the season (and his career) away. You just sit there in shock, stoking out, unable to control the events, even as they control you. It's like sitting on your cellar stairs, watching your basement fill up with water, praying it stops.

Klecko not only recovered Vrabel's forced fumble, he caused the initial pressure while doubled teamed and was the lead block on the 3rd qtr. TD. If there's a Klecko cult, which way to the Kool-Aid line?

Nice TDs, but whatever banned substance Mike Cloud was using that got him suspended, it wasn't Speed.

Memo to "60 Minutes": if you want more football fans to watch your show, less Lawrence Taylor crying, more porn.

What Stanislavski was to the "School of Method Acting", Ken Walter will be to the "School of Kicking Punts So Short No One Can Field Them". Brady might consider just throwing the deepest INTs he can on third and long. Had Thornton held onto the ball, the Colts might have been in worse position than they were after the punt.

Tackle to tackle, the middle of the Pats defense is denser than Jessica Simpson.

But even she wouldn't have run Edgerrin James right at Ted Washington like that. After the play, Dungy looked like the dog when he doesn't know which hand you hid the boloney in.

TV loves mouthy self-serving WRs and edge pass rushers. But Dwight Freeney isn't fit to be the third-cell-phone-from-the-left in Richard Seymour's posse.

Eugene Wilson handled that easy INT like most of my friends handle a bar bill.

Quote from the new Ben Affleck ad: I can't remember what I did for the last THREE YEARS!!!" Neither can the movie-going public, there Sport.

Parcells had entire rookie classes that were less productive than Bethel Johnson on those two run backs.

My Mom never raised me to be brutally honest with people. So let me put this in the form of a compliment. Having watched the Pats on the road seven times this year, I've decided they have the 32nd prettiest cheerleaders in the NFL.
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Old 07-29-2004, 10:33 AM   #9
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It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from week 13

I could not have received a better gift if Lawrence Taylor had sent a call girl to my room.

Will it ever end? CBS cuts off the Tennesee-Colts game with the Titans inside the 5 yard line. For what? The Patriots kickoff? No, for half a car commercial and the ad where they can't taste their beer.

Brooks Barnard: The People's Punter.

There's a good if somewhat obscure sports movie called "Let It Ride" where Richard Dreyfuss is a gambling-addicted shlemiel who goes on a lucky streak betting horses where he simply cannot lose. Eventually he becomes a hero to the losers at the track. The Pats are on a similar roll. That's not to suggest it's due to luck, they are just on one of those streaks where everything works out for them. Consider:
*The punter was working at Big Kahuna Burger last week. But this week, he pins the Fins on their 4 in crunch time.
*Brady pooch punts for (I believe) the first time in his career. The result? Down at the one.
*Randy McMichael, who instigated a war of words with Rodney Harrison, and killed the Pats in Miami this year, goes catchless.
*Vinateri puts one through off both uprights.
*A safety.
*And a 99 to 1 shot coming in a winner: Antoine Smith runs for 12 on 1st and 10 outside the tackle.
That, my friends, is being on a roll.

In recent memory, only Bruce Springsteen has regained his earlier glory as well as Willie McGinest has.

The last time I saw a bank shot like Vinatieri's, Paul Newman was putting Jackie Gleason on the brink of tears. I mean, if you were trying to do hit both posts, how many attempts would it take to pull it off? That was tougher than Larry Fine deflecting the ball over the crossbar with his head in "Three Little Pigskins."

Dec 7th historical note: A majority of Japanese citizens believe their country was justfied in attacking Pearl Harbor due to the US oil embargo. But 92% of them say they regret that the attack led to a Ben Affleck movie.

When Ty Law broke up a pass, then went spread-eagle on his stomach and grabbed the back of his thigh, I thought it looked familiar. Then I remembered where I had seen it. The Foxy Lady in Brockton. Porsche was her name. That was her signature move. Porsche...there is no substitute.

When Fiedler got picked off by Tedy Bruschi, he had the same look on his face that I have when someone tries to explain the BCS to me.

I hope the rest of the AFC thinks that the reason Rickey Williams couldn't run was the weather. Otherwise, they might figure out that the real reason is Washington, Seymour, Hamilton, Green, Warren...

I'm still warning you: In the earlier game, Marvin Harrison made an impossible, one-handed, diving catch in a crucial situation that led to a Colts win. He then got up and trotted back to the huddle. In this game, Deion Branch caught a 1st quarter 8-yard come-backer that hit him between the numbers and was more proud of himself than a 3-year-old on the potty.

BTW, if you can't taste your beer, switch to Capt. Morgan.

I have know way of knowing, but I suspect that underneath that weather resistant shell, BB was still sportin' that Shrek outfit from the Texan's game
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Old 07-29-2004, 10:34 AM   #10
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It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from week 14

The initial reports about these things are often wrong, but it's been rumored that the Pats found Ken Walter in a spider hole under a farmhouse near his ancestral homeland.


Once again, the Pats got their butts kicked in the unimportant "Coaches Fashion" category. Jack Del Rio went with the Bowie Kuhn "You're wrong, dumbass, it isn't cold" shirtsleeve look, while BB went back to the ol' tried and true "Shrek" outfit.

But Del Rio has announced that next years' training camp Symbolic Exercise in Team-building will consist of each player, one at a time, filling a beaker with the ingredients for nitro-glycerine.

Nice to see Michael Vick and Chad Pennington take time out from rescuing the economy and isolating the cancer gene to put up 7 and 6 points, respectively. In New York, the Jets rumpswabs in the media are blaming the weather for the egg laid by the Annointed One, apparently seeing a dome over Gillette yesterday that the rest of us missed.

I was in a Hallmark store to see what new sports figure ornaments they came out with this year. They were sold out of the Ted Williams [insert your own icicle/decapitation joke here]. But they have Jerry Rice, Tim Brown and this years basketball ornament, I swear on Johnny Fairplay's grandma's grave, is Kobe Bryant. Hang it on your tree, just keep it on a different branch than that Female Resort Employee ornament you bought last year.

I applied for and received a copyright on the expression: "They were able to climb back into the game after Bledsoe turned the ball over." Ka-ching!

Matt Light's personal foul penalty came as a result of a Jags player taunting him for having uglier facial growth than Saddam. Honest to God, Hussein looked like the kind of guy you see walking the streets wearing XFL merchandise.

And he looked more ashamed than Gil Santos reading one of those Trojan Condom ads on 'BCN.

Jacksonville leads the NFL in mullets, and by extension, mortal shame.

At the half, Greg Gumbel declared that Del Rio should feel good about his team, trailing 13-6. Math genius that I am, I extrapolated those number out over the two halves and calculated that the Pats would win by two touchdowns, otherwise known as a "blowout" by NFL 2003 standards. The Pats then outscored them 14-7 in the 2nd half for, voila!, a 14 point victory. The Vegas oddsmakers tremble at the mention of my name.

My proposed rule change: on a fumble, award the ball to the team that has the most players pointing upfield to signal that they've recovered the ball. Say what you want about Tyrone Poole's brain fart ('Toine owes you dinner BTW, Ty), but at least 3 Jags were signalling "our ball" while the ball was still loose.

With the Celtics raising Cedric Maxwell's #31 to the rafters, the team is making it clear to any potential free agents that the only numbers now available are 7, Roman numerals I-LXXXIX, Pi, and W. And if your nickname is "Loscy", you're crap out of luck.

With Bethel Johnson not activated he missed out on the chance to be the AFC Special Teams Rookie of the Week. Is it me, or are there now more NFL awards being given out than People's Choice Awards? Is there a committee that votes on them, or do they just make sure everyone gets one, like "Star of the Day" in kindergarten?
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Old 07-29-2004, 10:36 AM   #11
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[b] It's_Good's Knee Jerk Reactions from the divisional playoff

So Hawg calls me Thursday night with tickets to the game. Every fiber of my being was looking forward to watching the game snuggled up in front of the fire in my feetsie jam-jams. But a distant, disembodied voice took control, and without realizing it, I was committing to go. Every so often, the primitive, lizard part of a guy's brain takes over and makes him do something stupid. This was the same voice that tells a guy to vote for Howard Dean or marry Britney Spears. Except this was worth it.

I've always thought that the President should send a videotape of fat guys in the stands in below-0 weather to every hostile government in the world with a note that says "Are you sure you want to cheese us off? Look at this guy. There's plenty more where he came from, every one of them nuttier than the next. So back off, Ahmed, or this guy'll have drilling rights to your @ss."

Hawg raised an interesting question: why don't they illuminate the lighthouse at Gillette any more? I don't think they've done so since Opening Night against the Steelers in 2002. Maybe it's only to be used for emergencies. Maybe the beam is meant to deflect asteroids like the big metal pyramid in the Star Trek when Kirk lived among the Indians after losing his memory. Remember I am Kir-ok! I am Kir-ok!"

Don't ask me any questions, just do what I tell you: Never, ever try frozen salsa.

I know this sounds like one of those apocryphal stories you grandfather would tell you, but it's true: DropKickMurphy was with us, and he had a bottle of water freeze in his hand before he could finish it. Note to the Krafts: as a future money maker, you could supply popsicle sticks and sell beer-sicles.

On the 46-yarder that Adam-atic kicked , in that cold, the ball must have felt like kicking a butternut squash. I think his foot might be corked.

Whether your on your couch, in a bar, or at the game, its hard not to think that your personal habits are directly responsible for how well the Pats do. How you sat on the couch, whether you watched the SuperBowl DVD this week, did you switch brands of beer...whatever. As for me, I think what put the Pats over the top in this one was Hawg's Joe Namath-like "YEEEEEAAHHHHH!" on each big defensive stop. Hey, if it helped the effort, I would have been his Suzy Kolber.

After Tennessee tied it up, the guy behind me went on a rant about how the Pats had a chance to win this one, but they blew it, the season's over, blah blah blah. No matter how successful this team is, some Patriots fans still possess a lot of Red Sox fans DNA.

The longshot of the year was the Club Seat section staying 95% full throughout the game. I'd like to say some punkass remark like "Were they out of brie?" but I'll just say "Big-ups" and a Stuart Scott-like shoutout to you all.

Funny how a great football game can make you slap hands and share hugs with complete strangers. I don't hug family members, but we were all over each other in the stands like stink on a baboon. For all I know, the guy next to me had the flu, Mad Cow and Monkey Pox. Ah, who cares. If I die, it was worth it.

People watching at home missed Antoine Smith's play of the year. Pinned inside their own 10, on first down 'Toine got hit in the backfield, broke the tackle, hit the hole and picked up 17 yards. They felt more like 37. But CBS was too busy pushing 60 Minutes or some crap. Then, didn't show a replay. Still, on Sunday they managed to do a 10 minute segment on the Colts' pre-kickoff dance; entertaining and informative!

Whatever happened to Global Warming?
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Old 07-31-2004, 07:44 AM   #12
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Hawg,
Thanks for posting this. This guy is hilarious.
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*note to self* Dont masturbate after chopping cubanelle peppers for your chili. stoopid.
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