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Old 08-04-2020, 02:30 PM   #1
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Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

I don't know about you guys, but I need all the laughs I can get right about now. If you know any good jokes, please post them here. And remember: this is NOT a political forum. I'll start:

"Senior Sex --

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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Old 08-04-2020, 03:45 PM   #2
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Good one. Didn't see the punch line coming.

I don't know any good ones, but....


Q: Why is it that ants don't get the Covid?


A: Because of their little anty bodies
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Old 08-04-2020, 04:27 PM   #3
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"





A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
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Old 08-05-2020, 02:48 PM   #4
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I guess people just aren't in the mood for telling jokes right now.
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Old 08-05-2020, 03:11 PM   #5
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Just for U.
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Old 08-05-2020, 03:17 PM   #6
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The 2020 New England Patriots are beginning to look like one. ;)
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Old 08-05-2020, 04:12 PM   #7
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Just for U.
Q. What did the little horse say after he cleared his throat?
A. "I'm still a little horse."
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Old 08-06-2020, 02:06 PM   #8
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Did you hear about the two snails that got into a nasty fight?

.

.

.

Yeah, they were really slugging it out.
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Old 08-06-2020, 02:56 PM   #9
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I have no sense of humor
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Old 08-06-2020, 03:40 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldbagfan View Post
I guess people just aren't in the mood for telling jokes right now.
CT got pummeled by the Tropical Storm on Tuesday, 700,000 customers without power, including me.

I live on a dead end street with about 7 houses on it and branches took down the lines. So i expect to be one of the last to get power back.

I’m living the dream: cold showers and warm beer

Ice is harder to find than toilet paper in March
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Old 08-06-2020, 04:02 PM   #11
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In general, I prefer one or two-liner jokes, but this classic is an exception:



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson Go Camping


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Old 08-06-2020, 06:22 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawg73 View Post
Did you hear about the two snails that got into a nasty fight?

Yeah, they were really slugging it out.
Arg. How bout this old standby:

Q: What do you call an Irishman you can leave out overnight?


A: Paddy O'Furniture.

hyuk
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Old 08-06-2020, 07:42 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldbagfan View Post
Arg. How bout this old standby:

Q: What do you call an Irishman you can leave out overnight?


A: Paddy O'Furniture.

hyuk
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I like the way you think!

Cheers
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Old 08-06-2020, 08:10 PM   #14
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where I grew up in Boston we had "Mummy-Mummy" Jokes we would share while sittin around the street corner



I only remember one:


-------------------------

Mummy-Mummy, why is Johnny's face all drippin red?


Shut up and pass me that other hammer





http://jokes4all.net/mommy-mommy-jokes
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Old 08-06-2020, 08:12 PM   #15
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Did you hear about the Helen Keller Doll?

Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Cheers
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