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Old 03-25-2003, 08:35 PM   #61
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> CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
>
> Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
>
> and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
> might
>
> be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
>
> Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let
>
> their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
>
> Jack Handy
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
>
> morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
>
> Frank Sinatra
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in order to spend
>
> time with his friends."
>
> Ernest Hemingway
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
>
> Henny Youngman
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
>
> Stephen Wright
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
>
> we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
>
> heaven.
>
> Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
>
> Brian O'Rourke
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
>
> Benjamin Franklin
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
>
> beer.
>
> Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel
>
> does not go nearly as well with pizza."
>
> Dave Barry
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
>
> "Genesis"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support Group.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> And, saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
>
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Claven was explaining the Buffalo Theory
>
> to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like
>
> this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
>
> And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
>
> weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
>
> is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
>
> the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
>
> members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast
>
> as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
>
> kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
>
> brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
> the
>
> weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
>
> machine.
>
> That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
>
>
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Old 03-25-2003, 10:32 PM   #62
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pookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrz
yikes
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Old 03-25-2003, 10:55 PM   #63
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Owie!... But funny, Man!
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Old 03-27-2003, 10:30 PM   #64
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pookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrz
Somebody posted this one here a long time ago, but it's worth a repost.
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Old 03-27-2003, 10:32 PM   #65
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pookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrzpookie is teh r0xXOrz
For the married man.....
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Old 03-27-2003, 10:55 PM   #66
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After the 2002 Super Bowl a Raiders fan and a Patriots fan died at the same instant and were met in heaven by God. God took a look at them and said:

"Follow me my sons and I will show you the homes you will live in for all eternity."

The Raider fan was a little frightened but followed God until they arrived at a run down shack with peeling paint and a rusted out 1963 Ford Falcon in the front yard.

God looked at the Raider fan and said: "This home is yours."

The Raider fan was stunned at how crappy the place looked and then noticed the house across the street.

It was a huge 3 story silver-colored brick mansion with a manicured lawn. The royal blue shutters had Patriot logos on them and a Patriots flag flew proudly from the brass flagpole hanging next to the custom mahogany front door.

The Raiders fan was really pissed and said:

"Hey - what's going on here? This isn't fair! How come I get this little shack and the Patriots fan gets that house?"

God shook his head, smiled, and said:

"That's not his house, it's MY house."

Last edited by Hawg73; 03-27-2003 at 11:04 PM..
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Old 03-29-2003, 05:34 PM   #67
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the latest verizon series
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Old 03-29-2003, 05:36 PM   #68
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..thats all folks!!
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Old 03-29-2003, 05:40 PM   #69
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ok ok this will be the last one

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...ddampuppet.htm
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Old 03-31-2003, 04:53 PM   #70
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Suggestions for April Fools Day!... :)

Hi, Guys!
I am actually NOT much of a prankster/practical joker, but that is why I am usually successful in pulling off some good ones on April Fools Day... No one every suspects me of such dirty shannigans, so I usually manage to get away with it...
So, here are my suggestions for having some fun tomorrow:
1.) Hide all of the salt shakers, except for one. In that one, replace the salt with sugar... And wait for the funny response to someone's surprised tast buds!
2.) Take the sugar out of the sugar bowl & replace it with salt! This one gets the most puckered of looks from your poor victims!
Note: for BEST results, do the sugar bowl one this year and wait until next year to do the salt shaker one, when they will be expecting the sugar bowl trick again! heh-heh!
3.) Lift the lid & the seat of the toilet. Tightly place Saran Plastic Wrap across the opening of the toilet bowl. Put the lid back in the down position & then just wait for the exclamations from your first & probably only victim, but what a hoot!
Note: For the best effect, do this one at your place of work, then you might not only get away with it, but you might get away without having to clean up afterwards! heh-heh!
4.) Learned this one in the second grade, but it is a classic: Take someone's desk drawer out and flip it upside down. Using a sheet of paper or cardboard or something, re-fill the drawer with its contents and close it, in the upside-down position... It is a little tricky to accomplish this, but it is well worth the effort!
Note: on any/all of these, you might want to have a camcorder running, so that you can save the reactions for posterity or for one of those funniest video shows!... (Of course, the camcorder will be a dead give-away as to who the perpetrator is!)
Have fun! -Peg
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Old 04-03-2003, 02:57 PM   #71
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Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long
does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."
* * *
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged
non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
* * *
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
* * *
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

No, I don't," said Ole. "Sometimes a canoe will tip," explained
Lars.
* * *
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled:"Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat
flight insurance!
* * *
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working".

Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
* * *
LARS: Have you heard dat dey elected a Pole to be Pope?
SVEN: Ya, it's about time, dose Catlicks have had it long enough.
* * *
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya
vant to" .... so Ole drove to Duluth.
* * *
When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked
him, " Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we
go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring
your wife?"

Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly? Dis way
I don't never have to kiss her goodbye."
* * *
Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice
fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."

Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice."

They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No, ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
* * *
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole
died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You
put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "
* * *
Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat
from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out
a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other.
Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It's the best
fishing I've seen since I was a boy."

Sven replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I
put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?"

Ole laughed, "You goofy brother of mine. What if we don't rent
the same boat next time?"
* * *
"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Norskys does it take to grease a combine?"

Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."
* * *
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No, " replied Lars.

Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
* * *
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh, " said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell, " Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."
* * *
Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes
and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes, "replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said Ole.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a
sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." Ole and Lena agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate
you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so, " said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed
when my wife fell out."
* * *
Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar. They were high-fiving each
other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.
"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued. They drank and carried on for hours.

Finally the bartender's curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.

"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.

"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.

"Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"
* * *
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a
lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
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Old 04-05-2003, 03:23 PM   #72
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OH, MY GAWD!!! This made me laugh so hard that I had tears streaming down my face!!...

(Thanks be to my good friend, "Edna", for sending it to me, in the first place...)


Today the Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma
Bombeck Writing Competition. 1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne
Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon just killed me, so I am passing it along to all
you.


"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine
catches on fire.

That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me
exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right
hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as
humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine
down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure
Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my
right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a
pancake and still attached to my body.

"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least
want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past
me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled
over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you
can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and
semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE
MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini
couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of
my lung (the one that was still working).

I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic
proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the
partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What
would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An
imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy,
ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.

"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary
fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the
fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine.
"Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few
minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in
my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years,
I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.

The end.
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Old 04-07-2003, 09:53 PM   #73
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Funny stuff!... :D

Time to lighten things up again around here...
p.s.--so what do ya think, Officer Prometheus?!... ;)


Subject: Lulu was a prostitute...

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.....
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Old 04-07-2003, 10:00 PM   #74
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more funnies!... :D

Subject: Unusual Computer Programs


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed
Desperate

REPLY:

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the Command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wavfiles.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
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Old 04-07-2003, 10:24 PM   #75
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> Subject: Just too funny!
>
>
> >
> > A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
> >
> > A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
> > service.
> >
> > Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
> >
> > The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
> > forever.
> >
> > At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
> >
> > When confronted later, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
> > own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
> >
> > At that point, the proctologist fainted
> >
> >
>
>
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