GeekLink: DarthSpot Blog

[Flagg the Wanderer]

Whether or not history appreciates the fact I am more than just a tyrannical dark overlord -- I'm also an engineer. So my first meeting upon stepping into the landing hangar from my shuttle was with the chiefs of all of the station's operational divisions, the victim of long multimedia presentations from each department detailing their progress, expenditures, and time-table for task completion.

I fell asleep for a while, but nobody could tell because of my masque.

The bottom line is that, with the exception of one department, every system promises to be one hundred percent for tomorrow's big test. The chief of the errant division was apologetic, but I was unimpressed. He said, "We'll have the internal security sensors operational before the week is out, of that much I can assure you with nearly full confidence, Lord Vader."

"That is insufficient."

He shrugged and shook his head. "What can I say? Good, fast, or cheap: pick two."

I pointed my gloved hand at him and he began struggling for air. He clawed at his throat, his eyes bulging as he slid off his seat and hit the floor. He convulsed briefly before the final stillness. "You're fired," I said.
The first entry, "A New Hope" (http://cheeseburgerbrown.com/Darth_Vader/ANH01.html)

[Flagg the Wanderer]

I know, I know...being the only response to my own GeekThread.

But this is beautiful...
Big day. Storming the rebel ice fortress.

Took a nap first so I would be peppy. Leg feels pretty good.

Admiral Ozzol took the fleet out of hyerspace too close to Hoth, and the Rebel Alliance were -- you guessed it -- alerted to our approach. The cornerstone of Ozzel's arrogance is his insistence that rebel technology is so vastly inferior to Imperial technology that we need broker no caution.

This attitude is typical of a man who could not rephase his own fusion orb if his life depended on it. He cannot fathom what rebel engineers may accomplish out of desperation. People who are good with things, people like me, can appreciate the infinite diversity of possible tools buried in artful combinations of even the humblest technologies. Give me an hour to reconfigure an industrial grade repulsolift and I will give you an ion cannon and enough parts left over to build a droid to run it.

Ozzel just isn't the creative type.

The problem is solved now, however. I crushed his trachea with my mind, and promoted Piett to command the fleet. I have transmitted to following note to Ozzel's kin:

Dear House of Ozzel,

I regret to inform you that your son has been killed in the line of duty.

He was an incompetent, yammering boob and he will be missed by none. I have allowed the men to pillage his personal belongings, which is why we have enclosed nothing but the sole remaining item: a torn advertisements page from a magazine of midget pornography. May it shock and disturb you, and may you think of it always when you remember your dearly departed son, the ninny.

Know also that his limitations as a sub-par military professional caused the deaths of many of the Emperor's loyal soldiers, whose funeral expenses will appear on your next tax assessment.

Sincerely,
D. Vader

Too harsh? I call them as I see them.

At any rate, the attack on the hidden rebel base began and I had General Veers mount a ground assault. Once his walkers had destroyed the rebel generator I made planetfall and personally supervised our incursion into the base. I must say that the stormtroopers' new heavy weather gear makes them look very cool. Hats off to Palpatine. (Most people don't know this but His Excellency designs all of our outerwear personally; he has a real flair for geometry, and a great sense of line.)

Due to Ozzel's bungling we arrived too late, and the lion's share of the rebel terrorists had already escaped. I could feel the presence of my son, but he was not at the base. The good news is that as I came into the rebel landing bay I saw the renegade Han Solo escorting the traitor Leia Organa aboard the same Corellian freighter that we captured them in last year. And do you know who else was with them? C-3P0!

Talk about a blast from the past!

[Grumpy_Bottom]

I know, I know...being the only response to my own GeekThread.

But this is beautiful...
Wetting...my...pants...

[Jaric]

Wetting...my...pants...
This is why you wear a NASA diaper when you surf the internet.

And people complain about the Space Program.

[Benign Despot]

I'm diggin the vibe

[Grumpy_Bottom]

This is why you wear a NASA diaper when you surf the internet.

And people complain about the Space Program.
Meh, leather furniture and incontinence pads do the trick well enough :coffee:

[Jaric]

Meh, leather furniture and incontinence pads do the trick well enough :coffee:
Rubber pants ftw?

[Grumpy_Bottom]

Rubber pants ftw?
Pants? :rolleyes:

[Jaric]

Pants? :rolleyes:
Good point.

You win this round GB. But I'll back.

[Flagg the Wanderer]

Those new super thin-expando tampons could (hypothetically, of course) be inserted into your piss-hole and solve the problem more directly.

We need to learn to take these cues from our better halves. They know what's what when it comes to embarrassing excretions from teh genitalia.

[Grumpy_Bottom]

Good point.

You win this round GB. But I'll back.
And I'll still be pantsless woohoo

[Flagg the Wanderer]

And I'll still be pantsless woohooHome office = work with no pants FTW.

[Grumpy_Bottom]

Those new super thin-expando tampons could (hypothetically, of course) be inserted into your piss-hole and solve the problem more directly.

We need to learn to take these cues from our better halves. They know what's what when it comes to embarrassing excretions from teh genitalia.
Wait. :shake: You want to insert something thin.......into your urethra.......SO THAT IT CAN EXPAND?!!?!?!?!1120!1?

:blink:

[Flagg the Wanderer]

Wait. :shake: You want to insert something thin.......into your urethra.......SO THAT IT CAN EXPAND?!!?!?!?!1120!1?

:blink:Well, duh.

All following pissbreaks will take much less time.

Hypothetically.

Besides, what do you think a woman said about the first tampon? Desperate times call for desperate measures.

[Grumpy_Bottom]

Well, duh.

All following pissbreaks will take much less time.

Hypothetically.

Besides, what do you think a woman said about the first tampon? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
ChanceToTakeItBack.Fail

[Flagg the Wanderer]

ChanceToTakeItBack.FailI wasn't trying to take it back. It isn't like I haven't had things in my urethra before - for fun.

I don't like my bladder controlling my schedule. If there were decent odor control and comfort, I'd be in Depends voluntarily just for the flexibility. I'm open to any and all options.

Speaking of which - Mof JerJorrod apparently has severe stress incontinence, as you'll find out in later entries.

[Grumpy_Bottom]

I wasn't trying to take it back. It isn't like I haven't had things in my urethra before - for fun.

I don't like my bladder controlling my schedule. If there were decent odor control and comfort, I'd be in Depends voluntarily just for the flexibility. I'm open to any and all options.

Speaking of which - Mof JerJorrod apparently has severe stress incontinence, as you'll find out in later entries.
I think you'll find activated charcoal and silica gel to be better friends than you can imagine. :coffee:

[anderson]

You guys should send in these ideas to the Budweiser Tailgate advertising team.

[Flagg the Wanderer]

I think you'll find activated charcoal and silica gel to be better friends than you can imagine. :coffee:I once was running late, and peed into an emptied McD's large soda cup while driving.

Bladder size estimation fail.

[anderson]

I once was running late, and peed into an emptied McD's large soda cup while driving.

Bladder size estimation fail.

A situation like this was probably the first time I really realized that my wife loves me.

Stuck on i-95 in bad bad bad traffic. Bladder, utter failure. Wife holding McD cup while I try to drive/non-drive. Gotta be love.

[Flagg the Wanderer]

You guys should send in these ideas to the Budweiser Tailgate advertising team.Clearly brilliant, I know...

I just hate being shackled by these mortal coils!

Me, Flagg the Wanderer, humbled like a mere animal by ties to my bladder and colon capacity and occasional urgent need. No, I don't think my sh!t should smell sweeter than most (and does it ever NOT), but the man who finds a way to let me sh!t (and piss) only on my own schedule will have a holiday named after him when I rule the world with the extra time i've freed up in each and every day...

Fuggin Crom!

[anderson]

All of this reminded of this story.. dunno if you remember

However, Ms Nowak, who is married and lives in Houston with her husband and three children, opted to make the 950-mile, 12-hour journey from Texas to Orlando by car. It was after her arrest that she explained the adult nappy on the car seat to police. So anxious was she to get to Orlando before Ms Shipman's flight arrived that she wore it to avoid having to stop the car along the way to go to the bathroom. To her, this may have seemed an entirely practical idea - astronauts all wear nappies on space missions, during the initial launch and again while the shuttle re-enters the Earth's atmosphere.

[Flagg the Wanderer]

A situation like this was probably the first time I really realized that my wife loves me.

Stuck on i-95 in bad bad bad traffic. Bladder, utter failure. Wife holding McD cup while I try to drive/non-drive. Gotta be love.True, and an excellent point of reference for when she needs you to wipe her ass later in life.

But the point is - did you overflow it? You see my problem with the silica gel answer.

[Flagg the Wanderer]

All of this reminded of this story.. dunno if you remember
This is why you wear a NASA diaper when you surf the internet.

And people complain about the Space Program.It crossed my mind after I read the first responses in the thread. :toast:

[Grumpy_Bottom]

I once was running late, and peed into an emptied McD's large soda cup while driving.

Bladder size estimation fail.
No joke, my pops, an avid coffee drinker, would finish a pot before he left for work, commuting from NH to Boston every day. He later admitted that he took the coffee cup with him every day not only to finish the last of the pot on his drive, but also as a means of relieving himself whilst stuck on the Tobin. "That ain't Mountain Dew, son"

*shudder*

Never used our coffee cups again.

[anderson]

True, and an excellent point of reference for when she needs you to wipe her ass later in life.

But the point is - did you overflow it? You see my problem with the silica gel answer.

I hope people on i-95 took it for a cup of scorching hot tea (this was in February)... Shoulda gotten a large.

[Grumpy_Bottom]

I'm thinking that while this blog is bordering on being one of the most awesomest things I've ever read, the fact that the author didn't find a way to have the text scroll ala the episodic intros is a shame.

[Flagg the Wanderer]

I'm thinking that while this blog is bordering on being one of the most awesomest things I've ever read, the fact that the author didn't find a way to have the text scroll ala the episodic intros is a shame.Excellent point. I only agree with you up to the comma, but still a good observation. I think the scrolling yellow would get old very quickly, and you wouldn't be able to catch up after you missed part of it laughing.

[Flagg the Wanderer]

This just popped back into my mind while LW#5 (3) is battling LW#6 (approaching 2) in my kitchen.

Now, they haven't seen the movies, and they get the names wrong. #6 is adopted, and has far and away the darkest skin in the family. Being Mexican (and much more Aztec than Spanish) he's also very short.

So the punch line is that LW#5 is pretending to be "Odiorne Kenobi", he's telling #6 that he is...wait for it...

"Dark Small."

ROFL

[O_P_T]

I missed this one before.

But As long as we're getting our Geek on, you should check out Order of the Stick (http://www.giantitp.com/Comics.html)

No D&D experience required, although it helps. :coffee:

http://logo.cafepress.com/3/1221917.8296513.jpg

http://logo.cafepress.com/5/1221917.6258105.jpg

http://logo.cafepress.com/1/1221917.7476851.jpg

http://logo.cafepress.com/6/1221917.8296606.jpg