Hawg73
01-16-2003, 06:02 PM
I originally wrote this prior to the 2001 draft and it has been posted on both the official site and KFFL. It's the first "creative writing" project I ever did and people seemed to like it. I decided that since its the offseason and the draft is a hot topic these days I would dig it out and dust it off for the PatriotsPlanet crew. Hope you enjoy.
A Brief History of the Patriot’s All-Time Worst Draft Picks
The NFL Draft is about as predictable as trying to figure out which way a drunk will fall. First Round Picks have no guarantee of accomplishing anything at the pro level, while total unknowns regularly go on to achieve stardom. The New England Patriots have had, in their strange history, plenty of both types. The names of Chris Canty, Eugene Chung, and Reggie Dupard live on as memorable examples of first round blunders. Here are some other draft picks from Patriots history who you might not remember:
Hamed Al-Azziziyah - TCU - OG 6'3" 295
The first and only Islamic Offensive Guard the team had ever drafted, he was a tenacious and aggressive blocker famous for his "whirling dervish dance" accompanied by high-pitched screams of "ALLAH U AHKBAR" (God is great) whenever the Horned Frogs would score. Patriots' scouts loved his ability but failed to notice that Al-Azziziyah would not block in the direction of Mecca. The first time the Pats ran a sweep right heading toward the North end zone he fell to his knees and began salaaming to the East causing the running back to be viciously planted into the turf. He was then placed on the first bus for Baghdad where he began a successful career as a beggar.
(note: this was written pre-9/11 no offense intended)
Hiirkii Hingeknuffssen - U of Oslo - NT 6'2" 361
Former Pat's top scout Bucko Kilroy first spotted this former Norwegian Fisherman while at home watching CBS' Strongman competition with a major buzz on (like many of us). He was spellbound listening to Brent Musburger's stories of the musclebound Nord pulling the net into his boat with his bare hands and faster than you can say nosetackle Kilroy got on the phone with then Pats' coach Ron Meyer who pronounced him a true "slobberknocker and snotbubble blower." Little did he realize the inherent truth in his words. When Hiirkii arrived in camp the team discovered his penchant for disgusting seafood as he ingested massive amounts of herring, smelt, pickled squid and raw clams washed down with megadoses of Dr. Pepper. This combination of ingredients produced noxious gases of near lethal quality. Hingeknuffssen's high-powered farts in the locker room caused a veteran punter to quit on the spot and sparked a revolt of nauseated players. The Pats' brass cut him on the spot and, thus inspired, the team went on to a 4-12 record.
Tyrene Valentine - North Carolina - RB 5'11" 200
This swivel-hipped scatback appeared on his way to a spectacular career after torching the Jets for 190 yards in his first preseason game. But a week later while in L.A. attending a post-game taping session of Dance Fever he discovered his true passion for two things: Dancing and Deney Terrio. "TV" as he was known, decided to take a walk on the wild side and turned in his playbook to concentrate on perfecting the Hustle. A sympathetic Rod Rust said he was proud of Tyree for having the courage to follow his dreams and that he was "a Solid Gold dancer trapped in a halfback's body." Tyrene used his signing bonus to fund his transition from Tarheel to Stiletto Heel and went on to a lenghthy career as a dancer and fetish film actress.
Randy Van Galder - BYU - QB 6'6" 215
The consensus No. 1 pick in the '81 draft, this lanky QB was known to scouts as a fiery leader with a rifle arm and achieved the highest score ever recorded on the Wunderlic Intelligence Test. It seemed as though the prayers of Pats' fans everywhere were answered when he began picking apart NFL defenses with ease. However, the Patriots Offensive line was weak (as usual) and during a particularly brutal beating in Denver, Van Galder spent so much time on his back that he began to study the grass that his body had been repeatedly driven into. His curiosity piqued, he began to study agronomy and stunned the league when he announced that he was retiring from the NFL to devote his life to finding a way to grow grass indoors without sunlight. His efforts in this field have been so far unsuccessful, but he did develop a species of soft-shelled coconuts which have been credited with saving lives throughout the Polynesian Islands.
Octavious Williams - LSU - DE 6'5" 290
Given his name, according to his mother, "because he the seventh of eight children." Spent a good part of his life in a variety of juvenile detention centers and penal institutions. According to one prison psychiatrist Octavious was "acting out his rage" and "trying to exorcise his inner demons" because he could not pronounce his own first name. Despite his early problems, his natural gifts as a Pass Rusher convinced Pats' Head Scout Dick Steinberg that he was worth the risk and took him with the 9th pick in the 90' NFL Draft. However, it didn't take long for problems to surface. At his very first team breakfast on the 1st day of Training Camp Williams threw a fork which embedded in the forehead of a Cafeteria Worker because of "runny grits." His Coaches loved his aggressive style and turned a blind eye to his conflicts with basically everyone he came in contact with. Before the end of camp Williams had: chased team owner Victor Kiam through Foxboro Stadium parking lot calling him a "white devil," punched out the Team Chaplin, and "busjacked" the team bus (with the team still on it) taking it to a Foxboro 7- Eleven whereupon he assaulted a 17 year old convenience store clerk by bouncing his head off the hot dog rollers. When asked why the team didn't try to stop Williams a teammate replied: "are you kidding me? Dude's got a fist as big as a Country Ham!" The Busjacking brought a tidal wave of pressure to bear on then Pats' Head Coach Dick MacPherson who responded with: " 'O' is basically a good kid who just needs a big hug once in a while, doesn't everyone?" The hugging theory seemed to work for a short time. He made turnstiles out of everyone he lined up against until Week 6 in Miami, when while the Pats' were being thrashed by the Dolphins, Williams: took a halftime **** in a teammates' helmet, bodyslammed the Defensive Coordinator, then stole a gun from a Security Guard and pistol whipped a Dolphin Cheerleader. A Swat Team was called out and was able to subdue Williams with a net and a tranquilizer dart. When last heard from he was allowed to leave Solitary confinement once a year to star in the Angola State Prison Rodeo.
Nobody ever said that it's a crime to get all excited about the NFL Draft. Hey, it's a free country, do whatever you want. I myself have known the bizarre fascination of staring at Mel Kiper Jr.'s helmet hair for two days every April listening to phrases like.....best athlete available.....fills a need....tremendous upside potential...etc., etc. and while I will concede that there is a great big world outside of my TV room in stately Hawg manor, and that the players the Pats take this year might turn out even worse than the aforementioned bunch, the only thing that really registers in my brain is this: THE PATS HAVE THE 14TH & 19th PICKS!!!! Ice me down another Sammie and hand me the remote, 'cause when it comes to the NFL Draft, hope springs eternal.
A Brief History of the Patriot’s All-Time Worst Draft Picks
The NFL Draft is about as predictable as trying to figure out which way a drunk will fall. First Round Picks have no guarantee of accomplishing anything at the pro level, while total unknowns regularly go on to achieve stardom. The New England Patriots have had, in their strange history, plenty of both types. The names of Chris Canty, Eugene Chung, and Reggie Dupard live on as memorable examples of first round blunders. Here are some other draft picks from Patriots history who you might not remember:
Hamed Al-Azziziyah - TCU - OG 6'3" 295
The first and only Islamic Offensive Guard the team had ever drafted, he was a tenacious and aggressive blocker famous for his "whirling dervish dance" accompanied by high-pitched screams of "ALLAH U AHKBAR" (God is great) whenever the Horned Frogs would score. Patriots' scouts loved his ability but failed to notice that Al-Azziziyah would not block in the direction of Mecca. The first time the Pats ran a sweep right heading toward the North end zone he fell to his knees and began salaaming to the East causing the running back to be viciously planted into the turf. He was then placed on the first bus for Baghdad where he began a successful career as a beggar.
(note: this was written pre-9/11 no offense intended)
Hiirkii Hingeknuffssen - U of Oslo - NT 6'2" 361
Former Pat's top scout Bucko Kilroy first spotted this former Norwegian Fisherman while at home watching CBS' Strongman competition with a major buzz on (like many of us). He was spellbound listening to Brent Musburger's stories of the musclebound Nord pulling the net into his boat with his bare hands and faster than you can say nosetackle Kilroy got on the phone with then Pats' coach Ron Meyer who pronounced him a true "slobberknocker and snotbubble blower." Little did he realize the inherent truth in his words. When Hiirkii arrived in camp the team discovered his penchant for disgusting seafood as he ingested massive amounts of herring, smelt, pickled squid and raw clams washed down with megadoses of Dr. Pepper. This combination of ingredients produced noxious gases of near lethal quality. Hingeknuffssen's high-powered farts in the locker room caused a veteran punter to quit on the spot and sparked a revolt of nauseated players. The Pats' brass cut him on the spot and, thus inspired, the team went on to a 4-12 record.
Tyrene Valentine - North Carolina - RB 5'11" 200
This swivel-hipped scatback appeared on his way to a spectacular career after torching the Jets for 190 yards in his first preseason game. But a week later while in L.A. attending a post-game taping session of Dance Fever he discovered his true passion for two things: Dancing and Deney Terrio. "TV" as he was known, decided to take a walk on the wild side and turned in his playbook to concentrate on perfecting the Hustle. A sympathetic Rod Rust said he was proud of Tyree for having the courage to follow his dreams and that he was "a Solid Gold dancer trapped in a halfback's body." Tyrene used his signing bonus to fund his transition from Tarheel to Stiletto Heel and went on to a lenghthy career as a dancer and fetish film actress.
Randy Van Galder - BYU - QB 6'6" 215
The consensus No. 1 pick in the '81 draft, this lanky QB was known to scouts as a fiery leader with a rifle arm and achieved the highest score ever recorded on the Wunderlic Intelligence Test. It seemed as though the prayers of Pats' fans everywhere were answered when he began picking apart NFL defenses with ease. However, the Patriots Offensive line was weak (as usual) and during a particularly brutal beating in Denver, Van Galder spent so much time on his back that he began to study the grass that his body had been repeatedly driven into. His curiosity piqued, he began to study agronomy and stunned the league when he announced that he was retiring from the NFL to devote his life to finding a way to grow grass indoors without sunlight. His efforts in this field have been so far unsuccessful, but he did develop a species of soft-shelled coconuts which have been credited with saving lives throughout the Polynesian Islands.
Octavious Williams - LSU - DE 6'5" 290
Given his name, according to his mother, "because he the seventh of eight children." Spent a good part of his life in a variety of juvenile detention centers and penal institutions. According to one prison psychiatrist Octavious was "acting out his rage" and "trying to exorcise his inner demons" because he could not pronounce his own first name. Despite his early problems, his natural gifts as a Pass Rusher convinced Pats' Head Scout Dick Steinberg that he was worth the risk and took him with the 9th pick in the 90' NFL Draft. However, it didn't take long for problems to surface. At his very first team breakfast on the 1st day of Training Camp Williams threw a fork which embedded in the forehead of a Cafeteria Worker because of "runny grits." His Coaches loved his aggressive style and turned a blind eye to his conflicts with basically everyone he came in contact with. Before the end of camp Williams had: chased team owner Victor Kiam through Foxboro Stadium parking lot calling him a "white devil," punched out the Team Chaplin, and "busjacked" the team bus (with the team still on it) taking it to a Foxboro 7- Eleven whereupon he assaulted a 17 year old convenience store clerk by bouncing his head off the hot dog rollers. When asked why the team didn't try to stop Williams a teammate replied: "are you kidding me? Dude's got a fist as big as a Country Ham!" The Busjacking brought a tidal wave of pressure to bear on then Pats' Head Coach Dick MacPherson who responded with: " 'O' is basically a good kid who just needs a big hug once in a while, doesn't everyone?" The hugging theory seemed to work for a short time. He made turnstiles out of everyone he lined up against until Week 6 in Miami, when while the Pats' were being thrashed by the Dolphins, Williams: took a halftime **** in a teammates' helmet, bodyslammed the Defensive Coordinator, then stole a gun from a Security Guard and pistol whipped a Dolphin Cheerleader. A Swat Team was called out and was able to subdue Williams with a net and a tranquilizer dart. When last heard from he was allowed to leave Solitary confinement once a year to star in the Angola State Prison Rodeo.
Nobody ever said that it's a crime to get all excited about the NFL Draft. Hey, it's a free country, do whatever you want. I myself have known the bizarre fascination of staring at Mel Kiper Jr.'s helmet hair for two days every April listening to phrases like.....best athlete available.....fills a need....tremendous upside potential...etc., etc. and while I will concede that there is a great big world outside of my TV room in stately Hawg manor, and that the players the Pats take this year might turn out even worse than the aforementioned bunch, the only thing that really registers in my brain is this: THE PATS HAVE THE 14TH & 19th PICKS!!!! Ice me down another Sammie and hand me the remote, 'cause when it comes to the NFL Draft, hope springs eternal.