Why athletes can't have real jobs

[Hawg73]

These quotes might make you wonder why you bother watching pro sports at all, I can't vouch for their accuracy -but some of them are good for a laugh and that's what all Patriots fans can use after that national embarassment Monday night.

These are reputed to be genuine quotes from athletes and coaches:


Why Athletes Can?t Have Real Jobs:

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.?

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Does anyone else have any favorite sports quotes to share?

[Adam]

Originally posted by Hawg73
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

YIKES!

:eek:

Originally posted by Hawg73
"These quotes might make you wonder why you bother watching pro sports at all..."

The best humor is often -- ironically ;) -- unintentional.

Here's a few more that I gleaned off the web:
_________________________________________________

1991--Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:

"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."


1986--Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:

"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."


1966--Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning:

"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"


1992--Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."


It is not just athletes:
Why Sports Commentators Can't Have Real Jobs

This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...........Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(USTV commentator) Sandi

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )


Literary


Golf is a good walk spoiled.
~ Mark Twain

And my personal favorite:

Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after.
~ Henry David Thoreau

[Hawg73]

NR,

That was really good. Thanks. Those quotes were superior.

Did Mark Twain really say that bit about golf is a good walk spoiled?

I kind of thought it was Old Tom Morris.

Originally posted by Hawg73
NR,

That was really good. Thanks. Those quotes were superior.

Did Mark Twain really say that bit about golf is a good walk spoiled?

I kind of thought it was Old Tom Morris.

Hmmmm. Well I didn't check any references if that's what you mean.

Since you asked I did some checking and I did find these two reputable sources: There is a reference to it in The Wall Street Journal and of course the venerable www.whackduck.com. :)

One source said only "frequently attributed":

http://www.twainquotes.com/Golf.html

However it would appear to be more frequently attributed to Twain than anyone else (I could find no one else). Just curious, do you have something that attributes it to Tom Morris -- or are you yanking my chain?

[Phobia]

I'm often heard "A good walk spoiled" attributed to Sam Snead.

[Skip Towne]

When asked what he looked for in a playing partner, Sam Snead said "Someone with a fast backswing and a fat wallet".

[Brownfan80]

:thumb:

Sorry for the bump, but there were some really funny quotes in this.

:LOL:

[Benign Despot]

Let's do the Time Warp Again

[Brownfan80]

Originally posted by Benign Despot on 08-17-2007 at 09:42 AM
Let's do the Time Warp Again

Yeah I just figured that with only a few replies that maybe not everybody saw it the first time around 5 years ago. lol

[EasyBigFella*]

"I personally love the S.A.T, its the only test I ever scored 100 on". - Kevin Millar

[Wandering Athol]

And more from the players....

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
- Greg Norman, Pro Golfer

“His nerves. His memory. And I can’t remember the third thing.”
- Lee Trevino on the three things that go as a golfer ages.

“Are you any relation to your brother Marv?”
- Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

“Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.”
- Charles Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team

“Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.”
- Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters

“Sure. I’m proud to be an American.”
- Cincinnati Reds rookie pitcher Steve Foster, asked by a Canadian customs agent if he had anything to declare.

“The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I don’t know what that is.”
- Former Yankee outfielder Louis Polonia

“I’m a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.”
- Baseball player Mike Greenwell

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"I'm traveling to all 51 states to see who can stop 85."
- Chad Johnson, Cincinnati Bengals

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
- Yogi Berra on doubleheaders

"He had to cut the wind with his balls, which is something we had to see."
- 49ers coach Mike Nolan, commenting on the team's private workout with Alex Smith before the 2005 draft

"I'm always trying to see what the joke is, so I miss the play that's called and I've got to ask a teammate."
- Joe Johnson on Phoenix's gorilla mascot

"He's one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him."
- Scottie Pippen, talking about Tim Duncan on ESPN

"The sun has been there for 500, 600 years ... "
- Mets outfielder Mike Cameron, after teammate Carlos Beltran lost a ball in the sun against the Dodgers

"Bud Light."
- St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter when asked to name his favorite pitcher.

"In some way, Jerome [Bettis] has touched every person on this team."
- Hines Ward

"It was like my best friend in America."
- Warriors forward Andris Biedrins, talking about his Porsche Cayenne SUV, which was totaled when he was rear-ended last week

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
- Dizzy Dean

“They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”
- Baseball player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch.

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


And more from the coaches...

“You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.”
- Lou Duva, boxing trainer

"There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works."
- Charlie Lau

"On this team, we are all united in a common goal: to keep my job."
- Lou Holtz

"This has been a team effort. No one or two guys could have done all this."
- Casey Stengel, after the Mets lost 120 games in their inaugural season in 1962

"I'm in favor of it."
- John McKay, coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 1976, when asked about the execution of his team.

"We can't play stupid hockey, dumb hockey, greedy hockey, selfish hockey. We have to put the team ahead of our personal feelings".
- Terry Crisp, the ex-coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning.

“Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.”
- Doug Collins

"Most of my clichés aren’t original.”
- Chuck Knox, when he coached the Rams.


And announcers...

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Metro Radio, College Football

“It’s a partial sellout.”
- Atlanta Braves broadcaster Skip Caray, trying not to say the game has only drawn 6,000 fans.

"You can almost hear the silence as they battle it out."
- Dan Maskell, tennis announcer

"Was that one of the more satisfying dumps you've had?"
- Sideline reporter Suzy Shuster to Nebraska head coach Bill Callahan after he was doused with Gatorade



Some great soccer quotes for our soccer hooligan crowd here. (http://www.shanemcdonald.com/laughs/l-sporting.html)

[Izzo=Great]

After reading all these it makes me think that maybe d22 is a pro athlete.

[WisColtFan7]

Former Iowa coach Hayden Fry on his speaking skills: "I'm the oratorical equivelant of a blocked punt."

[dchester]

A quote I always liked was from Patrick Ewing during the NBA strike when he was asked about why the players needed more money. It went something like, "Sure we make a lot of money, but we spend a lot too".

:D

[bmooney54]

"A man's gotta' eat"- Ty Law

[desi-patsfan*]

Originally posted by bmooney54 on 08-19-2007 at 05:24 PM
"A man's gotta' eat"- Ty Law

"Can't feed my family with rings" Lawyer....i think.

[#54]

Originally posted by bmooney54 on 08-19-2007 at 05:24 PM
"A man's gotta' eat"- Ty Law

Originally posted by desi-patsfan on 08-20-2007 at 03:08 PM
"Can't feed my family with rings" Lawyer....i think.

Wasn't it the other way around or am I just confused because:

(1) They basically said the same thing.

(2) Too much time has passed and my age is getting to me.

(C) This year the offseason has seemed unnaturally long because a Bengal hasn't been arrested in months.